"Oops, I'm Pregnant!" Dealing with a Surprise Pregnancy while using NFP
/Note: I will be writing this from the prospective of a woman, and aiming my audience to women as well, for simplicity's sake. But do not worry: I do not pretend that fathers do not exist. :)
Nothing says “surprise!” like a “surprise” pregnancy, am I right?
Maybe you were using your NFP method. Maybe you didn’t. Or, maybe you usually do, but for one reason or another: you didn’t follow the rules correctly, or at all! Perhaps you sincerely followed a piece of advice -- whether based on fact or not -- and it failed you.
Whatever the case, unexpected pregnancies can flip your world upside down once you find out. And stressful enough as it is, you also have to deal with the stigma surrounding this “mistake”. Nosy friends, overbearing family members, and even a shocked or upset spouse only makes it more difficult for the pregnant mother to process her feelings and formulate her next move.
Firstly, in case no one has told you this yet:
There is nothing wrong with you if you become pregnant, even if by “accident”.
Biologically speaking? It’s normal to conceive a new human life after sexual intercourse. After all, it's how the human species reproduces. It's how our bodies were designed. It doesn’t matter if you were using NFP or not, or even a method of artificial birth control: it's all a matter of action (intercourse) and consequence (pregnancy).
So honestly: you’re fine! Your body is only doing what is natural in the circumstances, and our fertility is nothing to be ashamed of. Any pregnancy - planned or not -- simply means that the reproductive system is healthy and working the way it should. Do not be ashamed, because there is no shame in your body being able to function normally!
With that body acceptance speech now finished, you return to your initial obstacle: handling your pregnancy in a healthy way. Many factors can add onto or lessen your stress in taking your next step, so let us review them in hopes that it will guide you towards stability.
Give yourself time to process the news
Once you confirm the news with a pregnancy test, it will take time to sink in. Should I tell my spouse? My mom? Boss? Friend? Doctor?
Simply put: tell them when you are ready. And you will probably want to tell each person at a different time, or even not at all. Once you are able to know how you feel about the news yourself, it will be easier handling the delivery to others. The last thing you need when you feel the most vulnerable and impressionable is to let others influence your thinking.
To settle down your feelings, write a list, journal entry: whatever you like, explaining how you feel. Make one about bad feelings you have, and another about good feelings. Write out positives and negatives that can come from this experience, or even questions you have about how to handle this time in your life. Perhaps you could write an imaginary letter to the baby, if it helps you connect with him/her and calm down.
Also use this time to figure out when to tell your place of work (if you are employed). Find out what their pregnancy and parenting policies are. Find out what maternity leave will be like, how you can extend it through other ways, and even if they have support for pumping mothers (for those who breastfeed). Once you know what is and isn't on your side, you can give the news to your employer with confidence.
Concerning prenatal care: Assuming you are still very early in your pregnancy when you find out, and you do not have medical conditions that are worsened during pregnancy, generally you will not need to seek an appointment right away from a provider. Prenatal care will not be necessary until roughly 7-9 weeks along, though you should decide when to call to set up an appointment ahead of time. Otherwise, make sure you are eating well and start taking prenatal vitamins when you can!
Talk to your significant other
Some spouses may be shocked, but not upset, at the news of a surprise baby. Others may be bitter, or even angry, at the prospect. This is especially true if you had very serious reasons to avoid a pregnancy, or have had relationship strains for any reason. Give them time to process, just as you had time to process it as well. Remind yourself and him that this is a team effort to work through: you both made this baby with your combined fertility, and now you will both eventually find a way to welcome this baby into your lives. You can do it!
Neither of you have to pretend to be happy about the pregnancy, but at the very least: do not finger point at one another or the baby! (Remember how I mentioned that pregnancy is a normal consequence of sex? Keep that in mind when either of you feel the urge to "blame" someone). Now is the time to seek solutions together as a family. Like all difficulties in life, "this too shall pass".
If, after some time, your spouse is still hostile about the pregnancy, and refuses to try and work it out with you, seek another support system for yourself. This is especially true if they pressure for an unwanted abortion. Pregnancy is hard going through alone and you need support. (I list resources at the end) Seek counseling if you believe communication about your pregnancy is still going no where, even if you have to go alone; even a trusted friend can be there for you for both supporting the pregnancy and trying to smooth out woes. Obtaining the services of a doula or mother group is also a good way to find encouragement during this time.
Find out how the pregnancy happened
You may or may not care about why the pregnancy occurred; some people, after all, are very open to any children they receive after the initial shock, or find that it won't change anything one way or another.
However, half of all unplanned pregnancies occur when the couple was using a birth control method (as stated often by the Guttmacher Institute). If you were using a specific NFP method, you and your spouse may be worried that another surprise could happen again if you resume its use after baby is born. This is where a pregnancy referral with an NFP instructor comes in. They can give you some answers about the "why?!", and give you a sense of control. By having this information, you and your partner can make informed decisions on family planning in the future.
You can get a referral from the same instructor who taught you to find out why the pregnancy occurred. If you were self-taught or lost contact with your last instructor, find one. Did you inaccurately apply a rule that shouldn't have been used? Did you chart inconsistently? Or, if the method was used perfectly, an instructor could counsel you on future rules to use, while also sending your chart to researchers to better perfect the method. Whatever the reason for the failure, it will help you and your partner know why these things happened and to prepare for adjusted charting use in the future.
Instructors are trained to decipher charts, ask questions, and figure out a possible answer. Do not feel silly, foolish, or shamed if they ask you personal questions: "Are you sure you did not use any barrier methods during your fertile time?" "If you took a chance with your fertile window, it's okay to tell me" "Because you got fertile at this time of your cycle, you should follow this rule next time." They only say any of this to help you, not shame you! And if you feel belittled or disrespected by your instructor, feel free to drop them and find someone else. Some couples may even desire to change methods.
Pregnancy referrals are totally private and respect your information as confidential. They can also give you an ease of mind once you figure out the "puzzle" of this surprise pregnancy! So take advantage of your instructor's training and willingness to help for you and your spouse's sanity.
Seek help and support if you need it
Some parents are truly in a position where they need more assistance in preparing for the arrival and care of their next child. Are you a student at a college/university? Are one or both of you unemployed? Are either of you struggling with a medical condition? Was your relationship already on the rocks before the baby came?
Luckily, while not perfect, there are many resources available to parents (especially mothers) of unplanned pregnancies. From teen moms to babies with disabilities to student parents: there is more than likely an organization for that. For a list of these charities and organizations, check out the end of this post. Hopefully you will find something that will be of help to your family!
You can also check out WIC programs in your state, and other such federal/state programs, and see which you can apply for. Most hospitals, birth centers, and independent midwifery practices can assist you with this. And, if they are supportive, help from family and friends are always a bonus! Ask a friend to set up a baby shower or postpartum party, where gifts are supplies you need for baby and after birth, or perhaps "coupons" for helping around the house as mom and dad settle after the birth. Ask family if they have any old baby things you can use; or if friends also have children, ask them as well to pool together resources. Consignment shops, thrift stores, and online buy/sell/trade groups are also popular for getting needed baby goods on the cheap.
Before I go on, I want to stress: there is nothing wrong in accepting help, whether from the government, a private organization, or your own family/friends. The human species has survived for many reasons, one of them being our ability to care for and help one another. Your priority is to care for your family, and only that. The human species is indeed a human village: to act like you have to be totally independent is not only unnatural but also harmful. Do not let this time be a time of shame, because there is nothing shameful in being human.
Learning to Trust NFP...Again.
Maybe this is the first time NFP has "failed" you. (Or the third or more, for those rarer cases!) All these people supporting NFP and advocating for it are starting to make you bitter, or you are sick of hearing how NFP can help a marriage. All you feel towards NFP is resentment, anxiety, etc. For those who use NFP solely for religious reasons, it can feel like a true challenge to your faith. You really start to question NFP's supposed success rates.
First things first: NFP is accurate. However, for whatever reason, you are part of that teeny failure rate. Is it me? You wonder? Is it just too hard to deal with? Is my body working against me?
In these previous two blog posts (X)(X), I went over why NFP can be hard, and how to overcome these obstacles. You are not a bad person for struggling with NFP, or for not trusting it. NFP can shine a huge, unwanted spotlight of ugly parts of our lives that demand hard changes to overcome them. With that on your heart and mind, take all the support you can get! And if you ever need guidance, always reach out for an instructor.
As mentioned before, you also have the option of switching methods. NFP has different options for charting, and each method has its own unique way of tracking one or more biological signs. Even a single method can have different variations of it as taught by differing NFP organizations. You can learn about different NFP providers and their options at naturalwomanhood.org, factsaboutfertility.org, and iusenfp.com. I offer classes myself for both SymptoPro's sympto-thermal method, and for Georgetown University's TwoDay method.
Resources for Pregnant Parents
getyourcare.org -- online directory of pregnancy centers, health clinics, and more
PregnantOnCampus.org -- online collection of help and resources for parenting students
babiesatwork.org -- an institute that is aiming to equip workplaces with support for parenting employees. If you worry about your rights as a pregnant or parenting worker, you can find out how to get support and perhaps even set up a baby at work program. This can be especially handy for those mothers who can't afford nor trust the local daycare options, or can not work from home.
WIC -- Government program that aids in supporting healthy diets for mothers and their children both during and after pregnancy. You can learn more at the USDA website: https://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/women-infants-and-children-wic
WomenShelters.org -- online directory of shelters, in case you feel unsafe with family because of your pregnancy
womendeservebetter.com -- feminist website that shares practical advice, resources, and success stories to inspire informed choices regarding the challenges of pregnancy
prenatalpartnersforlife.com -- support information and encouragement for mothers with babies who are deemed "incompatible with life" or "disabled"
sizecast.com -- a handy website about knowing what future clothing size to get for your baby/child!
Your local YMCA/library/church/etc -- many centers offer babysitting or other low-cost/free activities to keep children busy. They are also priceless resources in finding local help and connecting with people who can help you. Your prenatal care provider may even know some local groups to refer you to.